Underestimating yourself // Inspiration

I have these feelings again, this weird mix of happiness and sadness, worry and excitement 
and fear and inspiration. 

But what does it all mean? And why does it keep popping up more than usual at the moment? Things are changing, dreams have changed, plans have changed, friends have changed and thoughts have changed. And I guess that's making me feel a bit unsettled. 

Too often we are all consumed in our daily lives, just surviving, but not living. Spending our lives with people who no longer make us happy, but when we eventually do find someone who makes us happy, we're too scared to try and to tell them how we feel. We're scared to put ourselves in the vulnerable position in fear of getting hurt. And I don't wanna live like that, I wanna fall in love with the wrong person, but who made my heart so happy. To follow my dreams no matter how big or 'unachievable' they are. Bigger than 'normal' dreams or jobs. Is that wrong to have big dreams? Am I setting myself up to be let down? Do a lot of people feel like that?

But with big dreams comes pressure - and usually it's mainly from myself. By setting time limits and thinking I've not come far enough or done enough for my age and where I believe or think I should be. But when I take it all back to basics, think and reflect on my journey, I realise that I have come SO far. I've overcome a lot of things in my life so far, things that I don't think many teenagers had to. I've struggled with a very strong and powerful mental illness - panic and anxiety disorder and it completely took over my life. It was disabling on every day life and just doing 'normal' things was extremely difficult. It go so bad that nobody thought I'd be able to do what I've eventually achieved. It was so hard, but I did it, but I still do struggle  I moved to London (I still can't believe I did this) and lived on my own, passed my driving test, did well in my A-Levels, started a degree, had so many fun nights where I was able to get drunk and not freak out (about a year ago I couldn't even go out into my nearest town without having a panic attack). I've got my independence back and I've created so many amazing memories that make me happy. I've made so many strong friendships that will hopefully be with me for a very long time.

We are constantly underestimating ourselves, we're not strong enough, good enough, clever enough, creative enough, pretty enough. But if you believe, and if you have the determination I believe that you can do whatever you want. You are strong enough to follow your dreams, or get over the boy who broke your heart, you are strong enough to say no and to face your biggest fears, you are strong enough to turn your back on the negative things in your life to create a better future. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that a lot of the time, we get so caught up in our daily lives and just making things happen that we forget about ourselves and what we really want, we no longer do things with love, we neglect our souls from doing the things that really make us happy and that we truly love. We get so caught up in pleasing others, in doing the 'right' thing, but not necessarily the right thing for us. When we take a few minutes away and look at things from another perspective, and take a few deep breathes we can realise how much we've achieved and realise why we were put on planet earth in the first place. So many people are afraid to be themselves and to follow their dreams for the fear of being judged or not fitting in and it's so sad to see that. Just do what you want, seriously. Please don't be scared or afraid of other peoples judgement or opinion. Why should it matter?

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Once I give myself a few minutes to think and breathe and rationalise my thoughts, I realise that everything is how it's meant to be. I am where I am for a reason. I am a huge believer in the Universe. I believe that we plan our lives out before we're born, every single relationship, meeting, good thing, bad thing, every moment. We plan these out to make ourselves stronger and better people so that we're ready to face everything life throws at us, and we're never given anything that we can't handle. A lot of the time we completely underestimate ourselves, but like my mum always used to tell me when my panic was bad, we all have an inner strength that comes out when we need it the most. 

We're put on this planet to follow our dreams, to live our lives for us. So that one day, when we're on our death bed, we can look back and think 'you know what, I did everything that I wanted. I stood up for what I believed in, I made things happen even when people thought I couldn't, I spent my time here with people who are so special to my heart. I got to travel and see all the places I wanted too. And against all odds, I made things work. 
My heart is happy, and my soul is too.'

And I have a pretty good idea of how I'm gonna make that happen.

A, x

Listening too; 
Lana Del Rey - Brooklyn Baby 
In The Valley Below - Peaches

* disclosure - pictures taken from my tumblr - some of my favourite pictures at the moment.